Tuesday, 30 August 2011

Homes Under the Hammer: An ode to the daytime property auction show



Homes Under the Hammer
You are comfort for the dispossessed
But not the repossessed
Or for those sitting at home
with no
JOB
to go to
Or for those who do not like Jeremy Kyle
On the other side of the television
at the time

Lucy Alexander and Martin Roberts
We call you the presenters
You are qualified
To talk
about houses and that
And the difference
between
party walls

And stud walls

Lucy Alexander and Martin Roberts
You are
Like Kirstie and Phil
But without
The
Sexual
Chemistry

Lucy Alexander and Martin Roberts
The puns
you utter about the auctioned properties
are
frequently
excruciating
but we like them
all the same

But know this

Agents of Estates
Cannot naturally walk into refurbished rooms and look interested in a window frame while on camera
Ever

Or walk jauntily down a road to the sound of 'Express Yourself' by Charles Wright and the Watts 103rd Street Rhythm Band

Lucy Alexander and Martin Roberts
You must be knackered
For you make hundreds and hundreds of episodes a year
Which must be nice for them

FIN

[Editor's note: We will NEVER do this again]

2 comments:

  1. This is beautiful!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you Streetwise Kid, it came from a special place ;)

    ReplyDelete