Monday, 26 September 2011

An inexplicably serious and thoughtful review of The Only Way is Essex series 3 episode 1

Pointless genital adornment at the ready everyone - it's the return of so-called structured reality soap The Only Way is Essex.

But for anyone on the look out for a vajazzle, you'll be disappointed.

It seems that any diamante-clad private parts are not getting a look-in this series, possibly because vajazzler-in-chief Amy Childs has left to become a full-time celebrity.

Which might be a bit of shame. Because where once there was Amy and her dim but endearing lack of general knowledge, there is now just idle chatter and not much going on.

It feels like, now that the programme's become more established and it having won a people's choice BAFTA, the cast now know their value to the programme, and it's all a bit harder to believe in a series that's meant to be about 'ordinary people' when they're appearing in magazines all over the place and acting like celebrities.

Not that it's important to believe in it, of course - but equally the producers shouldn't think the show's reputation alone can carry it: episode one was just a catch up with the characters, and not a lot really happened.

Right now, The Only Way is Essex is all about weight loss and the aftermath of failed relationships.

Mark and Lauren G, Sam and Joey, and Kirk and Lauren P - they've all split up since the end of the last series.

In fact, it's said Kirk and Lauren P split after having to spend three weeks together without going out, as they both recovered from each having a nose job. Now that may have been interesting to watch. Imagine the rows!

There are also several new characters, none of them with very much clothing. They include underwear modelling twins Dino and Georgio, muscular but short; and also Mario, who is the new squeeze of Lucy and is clearly signposted - via his tanned buttocks - as unashamed man-totty for Loose Women fans.

And Arg, back with Lydia, is fighting the bulge, as is Gemma, whose weight loss has helped her find a whole new inner confidence, as well as newly dyed brown hair, just like Amy Childs.

"I just feel that there's a volcano waiting to erupt," she says, in a way not too dissimilar to Amy.

"Really?" asks Harry, pointlessly.

"Yeah," she replies.

Good to have it back, of course - but let's have some rows, let's have some drama.

Can someone go and wind up Kirk please? Cheers.

Previous related stories:
Only Way Is Essex: Series two - a verdict: the winners, the losers
Only Way Is Essex - the dumbed down, dumbed down
Only Way Is Essex: Reality/drama hybrid wins heart, confuses mind

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