Thursday, 12 September 2013

Celebrity Big Brother: 5.5 things we have learned from this year's CBB

This series of Celebrity Big Brother, what with all the shouting and all the egos and Lauren's pitiful inability to use a cup in the correct horizontal way, has taught us - the lowly, non-celebrity viewer - several things. These are they, and they begin with something called 'the slut drop'.

1. The 'slut drop'
If, like tv-ooh, you haven't been to 'a nightclub' since Labour were last in government, then the notion of the slut drop will be new to you. It's basically a sort of dance move done by someone trying to catch the eye of another for later-time sexual intercourse (mouth those last two words, Miranda-style). The move involves the simultaneous arch of back and jutt of butt in a backwards motion, perhaps suggestively. To some it says 'epileptic fit', to others, perhaps, 'take me'. Louis demonstrated; it was funny. Bruce also demonstrated. It was horrific. Neither were sexual. Oh well.

2. The crowd who attend eviction nights like a bit of panto on the cheap
The cries of 'GET VICKY OUT!' or 'GET SOPHIE OUT!' or whoever are all part of the pantomime fun of the night. In the past people might have paid 15 quid for a night at their local theatre for a Christmas panto starring the woman from the Oxo advert; now we vote to remove people we don't like and turn up to jeer and shout, fuelled by a Costa double espresso or a bottle of Aftershock, and wave our grammar-ignoring placards in a crowd for free. The celebrities are, of course, fair game, and hey, it's a night out.

3. Emma Willis is a much better presenter than Brian 'Towelling' Dowling
She just is. Brian has a place in the Big Brother 'echelons', on account of his win in the orginal series, but unfortunately for him, Emma is a just a much better choice. If only because she puts us in mind of Davina. But it's not just that. She's a better tv presenter. Sorry Bri.

4. Lauren unable to use or understand the notion of 'the cup'
Louis Spence: 'The prancing homosexual'


Although Ron and, at first, perhaps Bruce were slightly wary of Lauren, CBB and BB have always been good at including people from all walks of life, which can only be a good thing. We've had transexuals in the BB house before (see Nadia, christened the 'Portugeezer' by sensitive tabloids) but not a celebrity one. In fact, you could argue whether Lauren counts as a celebrity, given her time in the spotlight (as a precocious antiques expert on Terry Wogan's weekday chat show in the 1980s) was both in a different century and a different gender ago. However, who is to say what makes a celebrity these days, eh? In fact, the housemates discussed this themselves, in a sort of 'meta' conversation, which is both a new high and low for self awareness for the people we call 'celebrities' (summary of conclusion of conversation: anything goes, basically). But Lauren, and the people around her, would really benefit from some basic 'cup training'. It must be infuriating to live with.

5. The confirmation that celebrities are, of course, just like us, in all their glory, humour, misery and horror
Which means you can like someone one day, then find them annoying the next. It's an artificial environment to wind each other up. But perhaps the question you're left with when watching Celebrity Big Brother, after all the games and fun and bitching, is why would anyone aspire to be 'a celebrity'? It looks like a crazy career choice with zero job security. Louis Spence had an insightful take on it: "I'm here for the money and for the raise in profile, it's a chance you take. Not everyone can like you, I'm [seen as] the prancing homosexual you either love or want to shoot. This is just a job. A job."

His awareness of how the media or public give people like him (ie celebrities) a one-dimensional character they then have to live up to until they're sick of themselves probably just shows the basic preposterousness of living your life in the public eye because of the job you do.  It must be even more confusing for those who live their 'actual' lives through reality tv shows, like Charlotte or Mario or Louis, rather then being known as an actor, singer or model, say. To us, they're probably all the same. On the plus side, this makes them want to do things to get themselves airtime = better episodes.

5.5 Abz and his 'pillow tower'
Dressed almost exclusively in his dressing-gown that by now surely needs a wash, quiet and thoughtful Abz has built a tower of pillows, which came after his swan made of apple. Surely some sort of 'craft-time with Abz' style tv show is being pitched to Channel 5 commissioners right now? If it isn't, you can have that idea, Channel 5 commissioners.

Let's squeeze in a 6. Have we mentioned the slut drop?
It's here if you want to look:

Celebrity Big Brother 2013 though, it's been great.

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